In Two Places at Once

This is a new one for me, and probably a hint of things to come.

Two babies.

I have already seen the picture of Joshua, and have grown fond of him; I adore him.  I've attached in that peculiar way that we adoptive parents often do when we "fall in love with a photo".   Last week I held my friend's new toddler son, just home from China for about a month, and it made my arms ache to hold my newest son who still waits for us.

Two babies.

The other child I still do not know.  Not a photo, a file, or a name. Only an imaginary image of what life with two more might possibly be like.

I'm at the "waiting for approval" while completing my dossier stage, and I'm at the "waiting for a referral" stage.  So weird.  I've been in both of these places before, three times in fact.  But I've never been to both places at the same time.  It's a strange place to be.  How can I be "expecting two" but only have one?  Are my expectations realistic?

I've never experienced having two young twins, and I've never really known any friends who had twins in toddlerhood, so I can only imagine what it's like.  I wonder things like Do parents of twins end up attaching more to one child than the other?  Exactly how exhausting is it two have to get up at night with two instead of just one grieving, scared toddler who has left all he or she knows and is now forced to live with strangers?  Will one bond to each parent, or will one parent be feeling left out when both children bond with the other parent?  When one starts crying and the other kicks in with it, too, exactly how crazy will that make me?  Will they fight?  Will I have time to give each of them enough attention to promote healthy attachment?  And how difficult is it to go to the grocery store when you've got two kids under two years old, possibly even one who isn't walking yet?  Will Merrilee have to shoulder more of the burden of helping to care for two children than is healthy for her at the age of 8?  Or does it help family closeness to have all of us pitch in to care for two new little ones?  So many questions and so much second-guessing myself!

I've done plenty of reading up on what is called virtual twins, or artificial twins, but have not experienced it in this way before.  Merrilee and Jacob are considered virtual twins.  In adoption lingo, it's defined as two children closer than 9 months apart in age, from two different biological parents, adopted by the same family (simultaneously).  I put the last word in parentheses because most of us don't get to the last part; many families who have adopted from China have children closer than 9 months in age, but they were adopted years apart.  In our case, Merrilee and Jacob are 8 months apart in age, but were adopted 16 months apart.  One child was already an attached, familiar member of the family before the second one came along.

So where am I going with this?

When we started this adoption process, we requested to be approved to adopt two children.  The CCAA has recently expanded it's policy to allow families to adopt two children using one dossier, as long as one of the children is listed as a special focus child.  The two adoptions may happen simultaneously, or they may occur separately over the course of a year, one trip to China or two trips.  My heart really prefers to adopt both children together--I've always wanted to experience having twins, or two young children at the same time; I enjoy having Merrilee and Jacob so close in age.  And I long to have another very little girl.  Joshua will be close to two years old when we bring him home.  I know what that is like; I've done it twice.  But I only got to experience a one-year old once.  I so loved that and really miss it!  But infants are not readily found on the shared list, and at our ages and already having three children, we're not likely to get "chosen" to parent really young ones. So we've just been waiting for the right "second child" to come along.

With all of our adoptions, I have always prayed that God would be the one to show us which child would be ours.  And with all three of our present children, God has done just that; we've never found a referral listed, asked to review it, and then proceeded with the adoption.  God has hand-picked each of our children and our agency has always presented us with the file of a child they felt was a good match.  And even as scary as Katie Mei's file was (who would have ever imagined we'd go through what we experienced with her open heart surgery and difficult recovery?) we trusted that God had hand-picked her for us, and we can now see that He was absolutely right in his choice.  She is perfect for us and we love her deeply.

I know of so many friends who have asked to look at referral files and, after getting a doctor's opinion, felt that a particular child just wasn't a good match for their family.  It may not sound too tough if you haven't experienced it, but it is beyond comprehension how painful it can be to thoroughly examine a child's file, really get to know that child in your mind, and feel you have to make that decision to say "no".  It hurts, almost as if one has miscarried a pregnancy.  It hurts to have to say "no" and it hurts to know you'll always wonder if the child eventually found a family.  I do not want to go through that.  So I have prayed that God would choose our children for us, and knowing that God would always honor a prayer like that, I know that He would choose what is best for us and I'd never have to say "no".

But that still has not stopped me from looking.  I have access to lists of information on the approximately 2016 children on China's Shared List.  I also have access to our agency's list of waiting children.  In the past two months, I have been drawn to four different little girls and asked to see their files.  Why I've done this when I personally asked God to take care of it, I do not know.  It's hard to just sit back and do nothing but wait.  So I've looked and asked to see files.   And in every case, we've been told "no" for one reason or another.  The first time it was because the file was already being reviewed by another family.  That family decided to adopt that child, but I later learned that the CCAA denied them pre-approval based on their ages (too young).  However, the file still remains listed as "under review" and our agency did not call me and ask me if I would like to review it, even though we were next in line requesting to see the file.  I believe that was God's intervention and I did not pursue it further.  After that I found another sweet little girl and asked about her.  I was again told "no" because she was not listed on the special focus list.

After that there was a file of a child on the shared list who was just days away from being listed as special focus.  When we asked for her file we were told she was too close in age to Joshua, and our agency was not going to approve any family for artificial twinning.  Needless to say, I was getting disgusted with all the rebuffs and took this newly-minted, previously unannounced "rule" as a personal affront.  I was beginning to think our agency was trying to steer us away from a young child and more towards a child of elementary-school age.  Not exactly what I was hoping, but then again, I wanted God to be in charge of our adoption and didn't want my longing for another baby girl to stand in His way, so I held on to hope.  I sent a polite email to our family coordinator and told her I wanted more information on artificial twinning.  I had done a good deal of reading up on it already, but wanted to know what the professionals knew that made this a bad idea.  At least if I were educated about it, I wouldn't feel so bad about it affecting our adoption.

So just last week I saw a child listed on our agency's website and she was older than Joshua by at least a year.  I contacted our family coordinator and requested a little more information on the child.  I was told that we could not look at her file because she was the same age as Katie Mei, which was not true at all, and I immediately responded with an email saying as much.

The next morning I received a phone call from our coordinator to talk about the twinning issue and was hoping I'd be able to defend our case, since I was not a stranger to having virtual twins.  What I heard next was an absolute shock to me.

Melissa told me that the director of the agency felt it was in our family's best interest not to adopt a child older than Joshua, but a child younger than he.  I really wasn't sure I heard her clearly.  They wanted us to consider a younger child?  REALLY???  My heart just leapt!  And even more amazing, they had just received an agency specific referral for a little girl, younger than Joshua, who is in the same orphanage he is in.  If I hadn't asked God to be our own personal matchmaker, I would be floored by the coincidence of the whole situation.  And to push the envelope even further, the agency director is waiving the no-artificial-twinning policy because this child is not more than 9 months younger than Joshua.  REALLY???

But here's the rub.  She is not listed as a special focus child.  However, since she's in Joshua's orphanage, and our agency has a significant relationship with this orphanage, we were told at the start that there might be a possibility of changing the child's status from regular referral to special focus due to extenuating circumstances, namely that we're already adopting a child from that orphanage, the children have the same special need, and it would be in the best interest of all parties involved to be able to adopt both children from the same province at the same time.

So once again, we wait.

We are not allowed to see her file, nor to even see a photo of her.  All we know is that she also has spina bifida and has had surgery already.  She may have a more serious condition than Joshua, and that is where my mind begins to wander.  Would her condition be so serious that we would not want to accept her file?  Would I fail to attach to her as quickly as I would Joshua because she would require more medical care?  The list goes on and on.

And that takes me back to where I started: I've never had two babies.  Am I being too hasty?  Is this going to be a disaster because in my impatience I wanted another very young child and I wanted them both at the same time?  Maybe her special need will be too hard for us to handle...what if she cannot walk?

Where does my help come from?  It comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:1-2

Reminder to self:  Whom did you ask to choose your child for you?  Why did you not want to be the one to make the big decision yourself?  Because you KNEW you could not possibly know what is best for your family.  Praise God, he is in control!


After my Bible study time this morning, God reminded me once again that He knows best.  Abram had no idea where he was to go, but God showed him the land He had chosen for Abram.  Abram had to trust God, leave behind what he was accustomed to, and step out in faith into what was probably very intimidating.  After all, Lot took the most attractive land.  And look what happened to Lot.

So for the past couple of days we have been waiting to hear whether the CCAA has approved our agency's request to list this child's file as a special focus referral.  We have been waiting to hear since Tuesday.  The wait has been torture for me, but in the past 48 hours God has reminded me in so many ways of what this is all about.  That's why this post is so long.  I want to be able to go back and see the Hand of God all over this adoption.

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow!