A Step Back

Okay, sometimes I'm on the mountaintop, which is really the place I'm supposed to stay, but other times I just feel swamped.  Oh my goodness, this week is one of those days!  I have been very purposeful to get as many of the home study documents collected and as many tasks accomplished as possible.  But it feels like for every two steps forward I have to take a step back.

What I really mean is I have to take a step back away from the paperwork and remind myself why we're doing this.  I love doing the paperwork...I really do.  But it is stressful.  And the deeper I get into it, the more consumed and obsessive I become.  I guess it's because it is such a tangible way to feel our adoption progressing.  One of the biggest let-downs for me in adoption is when I finally turn the bundle of documents I've been working on over to the adoption agency for the final time and I no longer have them in my hands.  It feels like I am no longer making progress toward bringing our children home.  The movement forward stagnates. 

A pregnant woman gets to see, feel, touch, and even hear the baby living inside her.  She has a very physical, often uncomfortable, way of knowing she is contributing to the well-being of the child she's about to bring into the family.  With an international adoption, that knowledge just isn't there.  You never get to hear your child's heartbeat, see ultrasound photos, or know how he or she is doing from day to day.  You have to trust that somewhere else, someone else is taking good care of the child who will one day be yours.  It's a very helpless feeling.

So the paperwork is the way I feel I'm doing something.  It's not called a "paper pregnancy" for nothing.  It's all we internationally adoptive families have, and though it's a very tough thing to do, it's satisfying.  When I really start getting into the paperwork collecting documents, filling out forms, making fingerprinting appointments, requesting water and septic inspections, faxing, mailing, and filing, I don't want to quit.  I have spent two days this week totally absorbed in the work, and I have a lot to show for it!  But at 5 pm when Jay gets home and it's close-of-business everywhere else, I am still sitting by the computer waiting for someone to email me with answers to questions, or I'm still downloading yet another form we need for a background check.  I feel so anxious that I didn't get one more thing done.

And this is where I need that step back.  Am I really doing all this paperwork because I like to do paperwork? No.  Am I trying to beat some given deadline that must be met? No.  Am I the weakest link the chain and if I don't get my share of the paperwork done I'll delay our adoption? Definitely no, thanks to all the background checks and fingerprint offices that will leave my documents lying around on their desks for who knows how long.  Only God is able to control the timing of an adoption.

What I AM doing is making myself available to God to care for one of his least.  A fatherless child who needs a Mommy and Daddy.  I am doing this to glorify God and obey his call for our family.  He is the one who knew me before I was formed in my own mother's womb and knows my future child as well.  He has had all this planned out since the beginning of Creation, and He will bring it to fruition.  I don't need to keep my eyes on the paperwork, I need to keep my eyes on Christ.  He is the one who makes anything I do purposeful. 

I need to continually step back and remind myself that doing nothing but paperwork to the exclusion of anything else or anyone else, is NOT keeping my eyes on the goal.  It's taking something that would normally be a good thing, and making it an idol.  Anything I put in place before God is an idol. 

Today is a day off from paperwork.  It's still lying on the table and floor around me right now, and the temptation to jump back into it is there, but I am spending time with the kids instead.  And taking time to cook dinner.  And pray.

It's not about the paperwork, or even the adoption.  It's about God and how much he loves me.  He loves me even enough to forgive me when I don't put Him first.  And He loves me enough to remind me to take a step back and look at the big picture.

The Bottomless Pit of Paperwork is My Mountaintop!

I love doing the paperwork, and I hate doing the paperwork.  There is always the elation that comes from opening the mail box and taking out that thick envelope that barely fits in the box.  The envelope is always a bit shredded on the edges from being smashed in there, and is folded lengthwise so all the papers inside have that permanent bend.  I look at the return address, delighted to see that the adoption agency or homestudy agency has sent me the packet I was waiting for!  I can hardly wait to get in the house, open it up, and see how I can get started on productively moving forward to bring home our next child.

And then, once in the house, I open the package, quickly glance through the sweet and friendly salutations, and go straight to the heart of the matter.  Inevitably, my heart sinks as I once again face the reality that is an adoption.  It's never easy.  Not even kind of easy.  In fact, it's pretty much downright discouraging.  How much more of a reminder do I need that my own body's failure to reproduce naturally has resulted in the necessity for us to completely and candidly expose ourselves to complete strangers and bureaucratic agencies for examintion and evaluation?   Appointments for fingerprinting in three different places, including one place that is more than a three-hour drive; seven pages of "autobiography" questions delving into stuff I really don't care to share about myself; fourteen background clearances for all the states Jay and I have lived since we were 18 (that doesn't include the places we've lived out of the country--sad to say, those places don't even track child abuse, so there's no way to get clearances from them!  How many children are abused in those places and no one is held accountable?!)  And of course, we cannot forget I need to make appointments for someone to check my septic tank and my well.  And provide the cats' shot records. And make medical check-ups for every member of our family.  The list goes on and on.  It's a wonder any of us do this more than once!  It's nerve-wracking, annoying, difficult, costly, embarassing, time-consuming, and a host of other things.

But the same can be said for a physical pregnancy and birth, I think.  How many friends do I know who have had unpleasant pregnancies, or very difficult births, yet they often choose to do it a second and third time?  It's all just part and parcel of the way God brings children into families.  And if we're trusting him with our lives, then we trust him with our pregnancies, be they the workings of biology or bureaucracy.   And of course, as almost any mom will tell you, it's all worth it in the end.

So here we are, in the thick of it.  I take a moment to get beyone the initial realization that this is not just another bottomless pit of paperwork; it is a mountain we must climb to the top. And so I press on.  As a child of God, I can look at this in one of two ways: 

First, I know that God placed the mountains in our way for His own glory and purpose, and He will be the one to remove them.  After all, He is God!

 Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.  Psalm 90:2

  The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth. Psalm 97:5

 I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron.  Isaiah 45:2

And secondly, the mountains are a means of God bringing blessings and good news to his people:

How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"  Isaiah 52:7


I want to keep my perspective regarding the mountains we face as we come to them.  We've been on three adoption journeys, all very different, and they've all taken us over mountains.  Some of those mountains we are still climbing.  But I can honestly say every climb has left us breathless and inspired with the awe of what we've seen on that mountaintop.   We have seen God's very hand at work.  We have seen our faith grow.  We have felt His very presence in times of fear and despair.  We have seen some of what He sees when we looked at his own child, given to us for a time, as she wavered between life and death, knowing that He placed her in our care for this very purpose.  The view from the mountain is very different from the view from a safe position closer to sea level.  The perspective it completely different, and to really get an idea of the Big Picture, it helps to see it from a higher altitude.  I'll take the mountaintop view anyday no matter how hard the climb. (I can tell you right now, I'm going to have to remind myself of this statement when we are faced with a referral in the future.)

As I told my Sunday School class this morning, either we believe God is in control, or we don't.  There's really no other way about it.  He created the mountains, and He alone can remove them or help us scale them as He wills.

And we haven't even gotten the packet from the adoption agency yet!  I'm only working on the homestudy paperwork now.

It's Official!

As of today, we have officially been accepted into America World Adoption Agency's China program.  (Insert a little sigh of relief here).  It feels good to know the first tiny hurdle is out of the way.  Apparently our ages are acceptable, and our financial situation meets everyone's requirements.   Now we're looking forward to the harder stuff.

I spoke to Emily, our social worker, today.  And she gave me some insight into what lies ahead for us in doing a GA homestudy.  It actually sounds like it won't be much more difficult than MD was.  In fact, some of it might be a bit easier.  Our sheriff's office is just down the road, the FBI fingerprints can be done right in Albany, and there is a CIS office in Jacksonville, FL where Jay often goes for work (and one of our favorite beach hangouts!), so we may even enjoy this round of paperwork more than we ever have before!

I'm feeling a bit more relaxed about all the requirements and necessary documentation for the Hague process than I was two weeks ago.  I think it's going to be a lot less frustrating than I first anticipated.  I hope I don't put my foot in my mouth on this one!

So we enter the weekend knowing where we stand with the adoption agency, and I am pleased to notice the entire turn around from application to approval only took five days.  With our last application in 2007, it was a full two weeks before we heard back from the agency.  I almost hope this one doesn't go too fast!  There's something about the process and anticipation that I rather enjoy, and I want to savor all of it this time.

Looking forward to a restful weekend....

Revisiting "The Wait"

I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined to me and heard my cry.  Psalm 40:1

Dear Family,

Thank you so much for submitting an application to America World for international adoption! We are so glad that you've chosen our agency to assist you with this journey! I look forward to reviewing your application. Please note that it may take up to 10 business days to review and respond to your application. Occasionally, I will need more information to continue assessing your family. In that case, you will be contacted either by email or phone so please be sure to check your email and voicemail regularly. Once a decision has been reached about your family's ability to move forward with the adoption process, you will receive a call from me regarding the next steps. I look forward to serving your family through the initial stages of the adoption process!

Sincerely,

Sara Munyan

Intake/Post Adoption Coordinator

And so it begins.  Lord, You are faithful and trustworthy.  I am impatient and insatiable in my wants.  Forgive me and turn my heart towards you.  Fill my days of waiting with the sufficiency of Christ.  Let me find joy in knowing you are at work; you neither sleep nor slumber, but you continually watch over me and those dear to me.  Prepare my heart for what lies ahead and let me be content in each day as it comes.  Amen.

Today We Begin Again!

I need to mark this day in my memory because it's the beginning of another huge leap of faith!  I just finished the application process to bring home our next child or children.  God is so good.  For months and months I have been praying, and have asked a couple of friends to pray, that if God wanted us to persue another adoption He would lay it on Jay's heart and Jay would be the one to mention it.

We have three children now, and we are so utterly blessed that it's hard to imagine having more.  We are "full".  When we first spoke of having children, about 20 years ago, we laughed and said we wanted five.  As the years passed, we hoped that would be true.  But through years of sadness, infertility and miscarriages, it seemed that it was not to be.  When we finally were blessed with our first daughter, I knew right away we would again adopt.  The experience of parenthood was too good to stop now!  Then we adopted Jacob and the blessing of two children, the perfect pair of one boy and one girl, appeared to be enough.  But in 2007 my heart started to stir again, and God very plainly placed a child with cardiac issues on my mind.  In 2008 we received our referral for our second daughter.  She was very sick, and needed open heart surgery immediately.  Her recovery was rough, but she is now the picture of health despite her uncurable heart disease.  She is a most amazing child, with tenderness, humor, strength, and passion in all circumstances.  We couldn't imagine anything beyond what we've experienced in our three children.

So last week I received an email from America World Adoption regarding a new program the China Center for Adoption Affairs has begun called the Special Focus children program (http://adoptedbydesign.typepad.com/blog/2010/09/ccaa-launches-special-focus-children-program.html ).  My heart leapt at the thought of being able to adopt two children at one time, and of course my mind went back to the fact that we had originally wanted five kids!  Of course, I still felt the need to keep my mouth shut and let God move in a big way.  A couple days later, on a rare occasion that  Jay and I were able to spend some time alone while my parents kept the kids, we were talking about the children and how much they've changed this summer.  I mentioned how Katie Mei is no longer a toddler and I'm going to miss having a baby in the house.  Jay responded with "Why don't we adopt again?"

I wanted to jump and shout right then, but instead I offered to Jay that I had just gotten the email from AWAA two days prior.  We lightly pondered another adoption and more kids, and he said he couldn't even imagine being any happier than we were right now.  Our three children are wonderful, we are all blessed with health, a beautiful home, a comfortable financial situation, and we're just kind of at a place where rocking the boat doesn't seem to be necessary.

But something really lingered inside of me, and that was the fact that Jesus never called us to be comfortable.  In fact, I kind of think that if we get comfortable then something is wrong.  If we are at a point where we have more than enough to meet our needs, then we certainly aren't doing something that we should be doing. The parable Jesus told about the certain rich man who built larger store houses to store his grains and goods from his very productive land came to mind.  To quote Luke 12:20-21:  God said to him, "You fool!  This very night your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?"  So is the man who lays treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.

Being "rich toward God" is more than just tithing.  We tithe faithfully and have seen the awesome blessing that God has promised to "open for you the windows of heaven, and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows."  If there's anyone out there who looks at our life and thinks we've done this on our own, they're missing the big picture.  Jay and I have not brought any blessings upon ourselves.  It is only by the mighty hand of God that we have seen answers to prayer, been annointed so graciously with our family, and have seen our cups overflow.  Tithing is one of those things where God actually challenges us to test Him and see what He can do.  Go and read Malachi 3:8-12 for yourself!

But beyond tithing, how can we be "rich toward God"?  Well, he blesses us in many ways, and unless we turn around and pour out those blessings on others, the blessings will become stagnant and will be of no good to anyone.  When I think of our family being "comfortable" for any length of time, I think of it as a full cup which can hold no more, but the water filling it is starting to get stale.  Ever leave a cup of water sitting around for a long time?  It starts to get yucky.  Who picks up a cup of water from two days ago and drinks it?  Don't we usually pour it out and get fresh water?  There must be circulation of the water in a lake or pond in order to keep the water fresh and oxygenated.  If the water just sits there, the fish will die.  No good comes from a lack of circulation.  God has designed us not to hoard His generous gifts, but to put them to use for His Kingdom.  Being rich toward God is seeing a need a fulfilling it.  It's not always about money, but also about your time, your energy, your pursuits of pleasure, your health.  What are you doing with that strong back and legs that is helping someone else?  What are you doing with your time?  Who is being edified, built up, or helped by the blessings God has given you?

So back to the adoption thing.  We are comfortable.  All the more reason to step out in faith and see where the Lord leads.  A couple days after Jay and I had this conversation, I got online and reviewed the new process for adopting internationally.  Since 2007 the rules have changed.  There are more requirements and hurdles to overcome.  Training (Training?  We've already done this three times?!), higher costs (are we ever going to be "comfortable" again?!), background checks from a lifetime of military residences and moves (Oh Lord, how will we ever get all that paperwork together?!).  It's not a pretty sight.  Not at all.  And I changed my mind.  Yep.  I changed my mind.  So I didn't fill out the application. I told Jay we were still in the "praying about it" stage and that I had to email some folks to ask questions.  That's the benefit to being the one who does all the paperwork...gives me the illusion of being "in control" of what's going on.  But you know what it really is?  It's Satan at work.  He knows we're enjoying "comfortable", and if we don't stay that way, we might fulfill a little bit of the Lord's prayer that says "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven".  The enemy was definitely trying to get a foothold in my mind to turn me away from a new faith adventure.  If Katie Mei's adoption wasn't enough to show me God's faithfulness, I don't know what is.  But I started to bend and entertained thoughts of just calling it off and telling Jay it was probably a bad idea afterall.

And then God spoke.  Well, he used His Word to speak to me.  And it came from the least expected passage in scripture, as far as I was concerned.  I had just begun reading the book of John over again, and in the second chapter, I caught my breath.  This is the passage where Jesus was at a wedding in Cana and his mother informed him that the host had run out of wine for the guests.  She told Jesus to take care of it and told the servants to do whatever he said.

 7Jesus said to the servants, "Fill the jars with water"; so they filled them to the brim. 8Then he told them, "Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet." They did so, 9and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside 10and said, "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now."

I know kids and alcohol don't mix, but this passage and this last verse really struck me.  In the conversation Jay and I had earlier, Jay said "I don't know how we could be any happier."  I had my answer.  Jesus is the only one who can take the good life we have and make it even better.  I cannot imagine being any more contented than we are now, but the thought of all those children in orphanages, to the tune of millions, definitely breaks into my contentedness.  And here we are, comfortable.  It makes me ill.

So yesterday I started work on the lengthy application, and today we submitted the application, photo, letter of request, and the first of many fees.  But there is now such a peace that we've not only submitted an application, but more importantly, I've submitted to Jesus once again.

My cup overflows.