What I really mean is I have to take a step back away from the paperwork and remind myself why we're doing this. I love doing the paperwork...I really do. But it is stressful. And the deeper I get into it, the more consumed and obsessive I become. I guess it's because it is such a tangible way to feel our adoption progressing. One of the biggest let-downs for me in adoption is when I finally turn the bundle of documents I've been working on over to the adoption agency for the final time and I no longer have them in my hands. It feels like I am no longer making progress toward bringing our children home. The movement forward stagnates.
A pregnant woman gets to see, feel, touch, and even hear the baby living inside her. She has a very physical, often uncomfortable, way of knowing she is contributing to the well-being of the child she's about to bring into the family. With an international adoption, that knowledge just isn't there. You never get to hear your child's heartbeat, see ultrasound photos, or know how he or she is doing from day to day. You have to trust that somewhere else, someone else is taking good care of the child who will one day be yours. It's a very helpless feeling.
So the paperwork is the way I feel I'm doing something. It's not called a "paper pregnancy" for nothing. It's all we internationally adoptive families have, and though it's a very tough thing to do, it's satisfying. When I really start getting into the paperwork collecting documents, filling out forms, making fingerprinting appointments, requesting water and septic inspections, faxing, mailing, and filing, I don't want to quit. I have spent two days this week totally absorbed in the work, and I have a lot to show for it! But at 5 pm when Jay gets home and it's close-of-business everywhere else, I am still sitting by the computer waiting for someone to email me with answers to questions, or I'm still downloading yet another form we need for a background check. I feel so anxious that I didn't get one more thing done.
And this is where I need that step back. Am I really doing all this paperwork because I like to do paperwork? No. Am I trying to beat some given deadline that must be met? No. Am I the weakest link the chain and if I don't get my share of the paperwork done I'll delay our adoption? Definitely no, thanks to all the background checks and fingerprint offices that will leave my documents lying around on their desks for who knows how long. Only God is able to control the timing of an adoption.
What I AM doing is making myself available to God to care for one of his least. A fatherless child who needs a Mommy and Daddy. I am doing this to glorify God and obey his call for our family. He is the one who knew me before I was formed in my own mother's womb and knows my future child as well. He has had all this planned out since the beginning of Creation, and He will bring it to fruition. I don't need to keep my eyes on the paperwork, I need to keep my eyes on Christ. He is the one who makes anything I do purposeful.
I need to continually step back and remind myself that doing nothing but paperwork to the exclusion of anything else or anyone else, is NOT keeping my eyes on the goal. It's taking something that would normally be a good thing, and making it an idol. Anything I put in place before God is an idol.
Today is a day off from paperwork. It's still lying on the table and floor around me right now, and the temptation to jump back into it is there, but I am spending time with the kids instead. And taking time to cook dinner. And pray.
It's not about the paperwork, or even the adoption. It's about God and how much he loves me. He loves me even enough to forgive me when I don't put Him first. And He loves me enough to remind me to take a step back and look at the big picture.
No comments:
Post a Comment